Thursday, March 5, 2009

Today is a bad day

I obviously have not posted since Patty's death. So much has happened since then. Sadness. Happiness. Illness.

We still don't have many details from the accident. There are rumors abound stating the person that hit Patrick was a "drunk Marine". We have absolutely no confirmation of that and have no desire to perpetuate that rumor. If this person was stone-sober, imagine the hell he is living with, knowing his mistake took another life.

But that is exactly what I'm am struggling with as I sit on the couch this evening.

Some say Pat would want us to forgive the person that hit him. But at this moment in time, I feel nothing but complete sadness and bitterness. I don't want to forgive, in fact, I want to inflict great pain on this person. And it doesn't have to be physical pain, oh no, mental pain would be equally satisfying.

I want to show this person pictures of our family. Of our parents, who got a box from the coroner's office yesterday with Pat's belongings, that just sent them into another tailspin of grief.

Of his brother's that are now missing 1/3 of their brotherhood.

Of my children, that are now missing their uncle. For my son, that is now missing his Godfather.

Of me, missing my baby brother that I have protected for so many years.

Tonight I am grieving Patrick all over again, I'm not sure why.

The funeral went as well as could be expected. So many friends came to remember him, to honor him. It was amazing.

I held myself together during my eulogy until the very end when I read my father-in-laws letter to Patrick (damn it! mental note! always pre-read your speech!).

And I lost it during the military honors. I feel the need to clarify. I worry someone may have hear me say I hate military honors.

It is not because I don't feel they should be honored, blah, blah, blah. Quite the contrary. Military honors make the passing that more difficult for me, to know they selflessly served our country. I just sob every time.

Do you know how much I hate to cry in public? Especially sob?!? Because if I'm in public, then I have to do it quietly. And that shit hurts. I much prefer to breakdown in the comfort of my own home, thankyouverymuch.

I loved seeing so many of Pat's friends, I had so many conversations, my head was spinning.

But back to the issue at hand tonight. Tonight, I cannot forgive the driver.

God have mercy on him if he was drunk when it happened, because I certainly will not. Tonight, I hate him, like no one else before, and hopefully no one ever after.

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