Thursday, February 18, 2010

Year One

At approximately 5:52 PM, PST we lost Patrick one year ago today. In many ways, the year has been a paradox. Sometimes the time has just flown by, so much madness, craziness, sadness.

Other times, the year has been the longest of our lives.

I'm tired of harping that this was such a senseless and unnecessary loss. No shit. But I still can't wrap my head around it sometimes.

But I don't need to wrap my head around it. Because it doesn't make sense. And it isn't fair. And yes, it sucks monkey-butt.

I leave with my Mother-in-law in exactly one week for California. For what I expect will be the most difficult trip of my life, thus-far (and hopefully, will remain my most difficult trip for the rest of my life!)

I will face Patrick's killer. I will do my best to remain composed, to honor Patrick's memory.

And when it's done, he'll serve his 3 months in jail and then go about his life. Maybe he will live a better life as result. Maybe he'll rise to the occasion and honor Patrick's memory and attempt to give back to the world a little bit of what he took from it.

But after Friday, I don't care anymore. I don't have to. He will officially be part of the past and something I cannot dwell on. I need that piece of this cluster-fuck to be in the past.

God-bless my in-laws for being so much more gracious than me in all of this. For having forgiveness in their hearts.

But I still don't. I'm not angry anymore (much), but I simply cannot forgive him for what he took from me, from my family and from this world.

And for now, I'm OK with that.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

February midpoint

Things have been crazy with school and work and an internship and everything else that is going on in our lives. I'm doing well in school (though, I should be doing homework right now, not goofing off on the computer). Alas, the kids are adjusting as well.

They are with Grandma and Grandpa on Tuesday nights until about 6:30 and then Grandma and Grandpa come to our house on Thursdays. I'm only working one night during the week, which sucks financially, but is really nice on every-other front ;)

I have signed up for 2 more sewing classes (since stinkin' Joann canceled my fleece robe one! Jerks.) Hopefully they will come to fruition (doubt it only because they are day-time classes during the week).

Gumby and I are dominating our Marketing class. It's actually rather entertaining. Normally it's one or the other when we have classes together, but we're tag-teaming this one.

I have not gotten very far with the Victim Impact Statement. Not exactly easy. Plus I can't remember where I saved what I already started, heh. Gumby upgraded all the computers which wiped out the normally "recently saved docs" paths that I leave all over. Time to do a search, I guess.

Thursday is the anniversary of Patrick's death. This isn't going to be easy. The realization that it's been a full year. A year since I spoke to him (which that's probably today...I think this was the last time I spoke to him).

And at the end of the day, we still miss him terribly. While it's gotten easier, it's certainly not easy by any stretch of the imagination. Which sucks.