Thursday, February 18, 2010

Year One

At approximately 5:52 PM, PST we lost Patrick one year ago today. In many ways, the year has been a paradox. Sometimes the time has just flown by, so much madness, craziness, sadness.

Other times, the year has been the longest of our lives.

I'm tired of harping that this was such a senseless and unnecessary loss. No shit. But I still can't wrap my head around it sometimes.

But I don't need to wrap my head around it. Because it doesn't make sense. And it isn't fair. And yes, it sucks monkey-butt.

I leave with my Mother-in-law in exactly one week for California. For what I expect will be the most difficult trip of my life, thus-far (and hopefully, will remain my most difficult trip for the rest of my life!)

I will face Patrick's killer. I will do my best to remain composed, to honor Patrick's memory.

And when it's done, he'll serve his 3 months in jail and then go about his life. Maybe he will live a better life as result. Maybe he'll rise to the occasion and honor Patrick's memory and attempt to give back to the world a little bit of what he took from it.

But after Friday, I don't care anymore. I don't have to. He will officially be part of the past and something I cannot dwell on. I need that piece of this cluster-fuck to be in the past.

God-bless my in-laws for being so much more gracious than me in all of this. For having forgiveness in their hearts.

But I still don't. I'm not angry anymore (much), but I simply cannot forgive him for what he took from me, from my family and from this world.

And for now, I'm OK with that.

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