Thursday, October 15, 2009


Grief is a tricky little bitch. Sneaky. Stealthy.

Thirty years ago today (or tomorrow, depending on when I post this....we're close to midnight, so I guess it all depends on where you are in the world) Patrick was born.

His time was cut way too short.

It soon will be 9 months since Patrick was killed. A few days ago I picked the kids up from my in-laws and Little Man said with such sadness in his voice, "Mommy, I really miss Uncle Patrick."

And more than anything I want to take away the pain of my family, to make it whole again. For my husband to not miss his little brother. For my in-laws to not grieve their son and brother. To not have my 4 and 5 year old children know such loss. Such an unnecessary loss.

I would gladly take all the pain myself to make it go away for the rest, but I can't.

So here we are 8 months later and I still have days where I sob in the shower.

Days where I have such angry, illogical, irrational, imaginary verbal diarrhea towards his killer. Who's still free. Who's still fighting the felony charges. Who gets to live his life.

I know, he has to live with the guilt, blah, blah, blah. I don't really give a fuck. Everyone says I need to forgive him. And at this point, no, I really don't have to forgive him. There is nothing forgivable about the situation.


Order a fucking pizza next time, k?

I would have liked to have written a nice post about how great Disney World was and all that, but soon it will be Patrick's birthday and we, as a family, have to figure out how to get through the day without Patrick. Because we've figured out the mundane, everyday life without him. And we continue to dodge the mines of the holidays, but this would have been his 30th birthday.

Such a monumental birthday that he never got to see, to celebrate.

The weather is unseasonably warm for Wisconsin and we will go to the zoo as a family to get the in-laws out of the house and to celebrate his life once again.

*****I started this post in mid-October, but didn't post until November 7th...apparently the blog software decided to use the date I started the post on. Dang, I really need to pay more attention to this stuff.

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