Goodbye 2009

One can only hope that 2010 will be better than 2009 in many ways. With any luck the economy will continue to improve, job rates will improve, child abuse will go away and we won't lose any one else to stupid mistakes (like, oh, I don't know...drunk drivers?!?).

Walgreens has digital prints on sale for 9 cents this week and yesterday I got an additional 5% off my usual 20% discount. I was able to get all the Disney pictures submitted to be printed, which was nice. I'm trying to go through all the old pictures now to see about getting those printed since we have no pictures printed really since Baby Girl was born in 2004. We have a million in storage on the server, but no physical albums (funny, this was my exact argument about getting a digital camera vs a film camera).

So I'm currently editing the 2004 files, pulling out the crappy ones or duplicates. And I came across a picture of Patrick at our cousin's wedding. And it was a bit of a shock and then a hit to the stomach.

It's almost been a year that he's been gone. And it's gotten easier, but not much. It still hurts and I still have way too much anger.

So what I want for 2010 is to let go of some of the anger. Not all of it, I'm not ready for that. But I want the criminal case against his killer to be done and I need some of my anger until that happens. I'm tired of the continuances, tired of the stalling. Finish it. Perhaps this is why so many people lack faith in the judicial system? I understand it's working, but there is no doubt he killed Patrick. There is no doubt he was under the influence of alcohol. Why continue to draw-out the pain of the victim's family by allowing him to keep stalling?

Argh.

I wish everyone success and happiness in 2010. I hope you are able to do what you want most in life and find it's even better than you imagined.

Stay safe and for the love of all that is holy, have a designated driver!

there is no hope for....

breasts. I'm watching the new Britney Spears video "3" and she's got this deep-V swimsuit thing on and her boobs are sagging. And not in the "cute" no under wire way, in the I've squeezed out 2 kids and am quickly approaching my 30's.

Which means that I, who has squeezed out 2 kids and am well INTO my 30's and certainly do not have Britney's body (ahem) has absolutely no hope.

Unfortunately I had noticed a few months ago that the girls were looked a little depressed.

Urgg.

Of course, the gray hairs is probably more distressing. I'm gonna blame Patrick for that one. Because holy crap, I went from a few gray hairs to a lot of them in the past year. Even though I color my hair, those little bastards are stubborn. Oh well.

T-minus 18 days until Christmas. I ordered Baby Girl's "big gift" from JC Penny's...it was clearance and I had an additional 20% off code (which basically paid for the shipping). Stinkin' thing has not shipped yet, so I'm nervous they will sell out of it or something, which would suck so bad. So I continue to stalk the JCP website shipping status.

Little Man's "big gift" arrived Saturday, a kid's digital camera. He does really well at taking pictures. He's been using our old Canon (yep, we've let the 4-year old use a better digital camera than some of our friends have...). But it would suck if he destroyed the camera, so we went for one of the tough ones meant for little hands. I love a lot of his pictures, it's fun to see the world through the eyes of a 4 year old.

So just a few small gifts for the kids to complete them and then a gift for my BIL. All that will be left is small gifts for the kindergarten teacher's and making the chocolates for my MIL and her BFF.

We went to a concert at the Irish Cultural and Heritage Center Saturday and it was simply amazing. So enjoyable.

Lots of work this week, then dinner and cookie decorating with a friend and her family this weekend. Very excited to see her, it's been far too long. Next week is a weird week of work...I work Monday and Wednesday during the day. Which will give the kids some time with the in-laws. Always a good thing. Plus I'll have time with them in the evening.

I'm excited for that Friday, dinner with friends at a restaurant that is getting a lot of good press/reviews. And I see these friends too far and in-between. I wish jobs could be created based on availability, lol. I can work Monday-Friday 7 AM to 10 AM. See, 15 hours a week! Oh well.

There's always next year for a job when Little Man is in school full-time. Oy. I can't believe it's almost 2010 and that we're 1/2 way through the school year. 34 is upon me in 32 days.

But first the holidays. Which are always magical because the kids BELIEVE.

Mournnig

Really, this grown-up shit sucks. There was an accident last Friday. Family friends lost their son and his best-friend when a drunk-driver plowed into their truck. The truck burst into flames, the family put the fire out, trying to save the driver, not realizing their son was in the truck.


Can you imagine?


So I will pay our respects this Saturday and I will try to keep it together. With a little help from some anti-anxiety pills. Which brings a whole different issue. I'm all for taking medication when you need it. Never thought I'd have to take anti-anxiety pills. Yet another piece of fall-out from Patrick's death.


Because I never could have delivered that eulogy so coherently without them. I'm not too proud to admit that; I was a freakin' mess. I knew I was a mess.


I went to the doctor a few days before the funeral and my blood pressure was through the roof. The medical assistant got shitty, "Why's your blood pressure so high?"


"Probably because my baby brother was killed about a week ago in a car accident."


She stared at me for a moment and, of course, my doc had just come out of a room to hear the exchange and even he stared at me for a moment, unable to move, processing.


I was quickly ushered into the room, heh.


And this accident is really hard to process. To come to terms with. Because I really don't understand the whole driving drunk thing. Why it's so much more common than anyone wants to believe. But I live in Wisconsin. The land of drinking and driving. It was only a matter of time before it affected our family again.


Which sucks.


And I wish I had words that could ease the pain of my Aunt and Uncle and cousins. Because these kids were like their kids/brothers. And it enhances my pain and the loss of my family this year.


I don't know if I'm strong enough for this. To not lose it there. I've been to church exactly once since Patrick died. And I cried through most of Mass. And I am a coward, I haven't been back.


I hate to have the kids see me cry more. I feel like I've used up my quota of crying-in-front-of-the-kids this year (and perhaps for the next 5 years?!?).


And the worst is the time in the car, driving alone to pick a child up from school. Because that just leaves too much time for my mind to wander and ponder.


Yesterday, I tried my best to not. I blasted the radio with great songs. As loud as it would go. And I still cried.


And I am still crying.

*don't worry, I'm not in a deep, dark depression. More of a passing depression...it's really only bad when my mind is unoccupied and can go back to these things. Which would explain my need to fill every-freakin'-minute of my days lately. Even the simple task of crocheting is enough to occupy my mind most of the time.

Falling out of bed

Literally. I was stretching my much too tense back and didn't pay attention. Suddenly I was falling in slow-motion on to my hardwood floor. Gumby flew out of the bathroom swearing. It's been a banner night in the Reed household!