I've been slacking

But it's never a dull moment around here.

MIL will have her lumpectomy on 5/15 to see if the cancer spread.

Every May Pampered Chef has their "Help Whip Cancer" campaign and sell pink items and a portion of those sales goes towards breast cancer research. I'm trying to find a time to have a party, I hope every will think about buying something to help support breast cancer research.

I had Parent/Teacher conference with Baby Girl's preschool teacher. Nothing but praise for her as "she's a blessing to have in class". Very ready for 5K. That's exciting.

Things progress with Patrick's affairs, slowly, but there is progression.

Little Man was moved into a big boy bed a few weeks ago. He loves it.

My sister borrowed my car over the weekend (she didn't have a ride home from work Friday and called, so I sent Gumby to pick her up and told him to just give her the car since she also worked Saturday. Heh.)

The accident wasn't her fault. The driver behind her wasn't paying attention and rear-ended her going at least 35 mph. She called, hysterical.

Thank God she was OK. I had to explain the car could be replaced, she could not be. My car was a total loss. And of course the driver at fault gave insurance information that was wrong, so now we suspect the car was uninsured. Lovely.

I feel awful for my sister though.

Other than that, I've got the Swing Flu (aka a cold for the dramatic). We are off to buy our new car this afternoon, another Maxima, just 2 years newer. Wooo.

Random Monday Thoughts

I'm on the mailing list for a nearby church. We've never attended services there, but it seems like such a wonderful community there, though a different faith. Of course, I personally think God doesn't care what flavor you pick, just do right.

Anyway. Today's email said they have a labyrinth walk. Which struck me as the last only time I saw a true labyrinth was on our honeymoon in Florida, nearly 9 years ago.

Gumby and I travel very oddly. We have days with set things to accomplish. We have other days that we have nothing planned and may just drive and see where the road/wind takes us. That particular day, I saw a grove of orange and grapefruit trees leading down a road. I told Gumby to drive down it, having never seen an orange tree up close and personal.

The road lead to a cemetery and mausoleum, but they also had the labyrinth. I had never seen a real one before and was interested. I read the "instructions".

And of course, forced Gumby to do it with me. I cleared my mind and we started to walk. What was interesting was the revelation that came to me. Gumby and I would pass each other as we walked, sometimes we were nearly on top of each other, other times we were on opposite sides of the labyrinth, but we were always on the same path, with the same end-goal.

And it was there I realized that both in our religious experiences and in our marriage, there will be times we will be completely in sync and others we are light years away, but our end-goal is always the same and we're on the same path. We just do it at our own pace. And that's OK.

That was a defining moment in my life. Such a grown-up through for someone pretending to be a grown-up.

Anyway, I'd be interested in experiencing the labyrinth, but almost wonder if it will be a letdown after my 1st experience. Of course, it helps that my first experience was outside, 80 degrees and sunny as all get-out, heh.

My MIL's cancer spread to her "clear" breast. There was a 3/4" *spot* with clear margins, but that's not good. Her cancer is a very aggressive, nasty kind. It has been lazy in her left breast, remaining in her milk ducts, which is good. But it must have gotten bored and moved to the right breast in a very short time (as the PET scan and mammogram had been clear 2 months earlier).

We will learn tomorrow the game plan. Obviously the lymph nodes on the right have to come out to see if the cancer spread there (thank God she had the double mastectomy right away). If the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes, well, it's going to be ugly. If it hadn't, I'm not sure what the game plan is, but probably not pleasant.

I'm trying to be there as much as possible while she heals from the 1st surgery. It allows my FIL to leave and do errands/get out of the house. Plus the kids entertain my MIL to no end, so that's a bonus.

I had an odd shopping day. I went to Sendik's to get produce and such. So much better than the crap at PNS and cheaper too. Sweet yellow peppers were on sale, so I got Baby Girl a pack, she'll be happy. Some beautiful strawberries and grapes. Yum.

But then I went to Sam's Club. I hate Sam's Club and Wal-Mart. Let's face it, we are mildly poor, so I shop there to save money on things like bottled water (and the french bread is so freakin' good and cheap). And it's a completely different experience than Sendik's, where everyone says hello to me and asks if I need help. I miss that service. Which is also why I shop at Sendiks.

I feel so bad for those that say Sendik's is so much more expensive. OK, yeah, if it's not on sale, it probably is a bit more on grocery staples. But I guarantee the produce is not only better, but it will be less expensive. Same thing for the meat.

Prime example. I always get the kids the Stonyfield Yogurt. I was excited when PNS started carrying it in most of the stores. $4.49 for a 8 pack of the squeeze-able stuff. $3.49 at Sendik's. I buy that crap like it's going out of style, totally worth it to go to Sendik's. I realized this about 6 months ago and haven't looked back. There's very little I go to PNS for anymore (or I go there if I'm doing late shopping, Sendik's closes at either 9 or 10 PM).

Well, I must dash to retrieve my children.

I think the snail got stepped on

Well, spring is still approaching at a snail's pace. Actually, I'm fairly certain the snail got stepped on, so now it's kinda stuck. It snowed last weekend and I think it's going to again this weekend. *sigh*

The kicker is that Little Man destroyed the zipper in his Land's End parka, so I took it in this week to get it repaired. Takes 6 weeks to get it back. Any why couldn't I have waited another few weeks? Thankfully I have a "spring" jacket from Land's End that is mostly warm enough.

I'm finding myself stuck in a bit of a rut. I'm back in the bad habit of staying up much too late, making it increasingly difficult to get up when I should. I find myself searching for answers that I know I won't find. I hope to find some shread of light, but mostly the answers are contained within a few select people. And unfortunately, at this point, they are not inclined to share a damn thing with me to protect themselves.

We should have a police report this week in regards to Patty's death. The reality of that is both a relief (to have answers) and a curse (to have those answers and know what happened).

Spring approaches...

At a snails pace. We keep getting glimpses of spring, a warm day, the robin's have returned. And we are expected to get 3-6 inches on Saturday.

ARGGGGG.

After we signed the kids up for the local Catholic elementary school, we got a notice that enrollment was low and they looked at the budget, these are the changes, are you still committed type of thing.

We struggled a bit with the decision, because we'd be spending a shit-ton-o-money, sending 2 off the bat. And part of the changes was a 10% tuition increase and they'd be cutting programs. Sounding frighteningly like public school....

But after much decision and a last minute pro/con list (because I'm a dork), we decided to stick with it. The kids loved it there and I was very impressed with the kindergarten teacher.

I get yesterday's mail and they are closing the school because only 62 students (37 families) had committed and they could not keep the school open with that level. Great, just great.

Where I struggle, is I want Little Man in a 5-day-a-week program next year. I want him to start getting used to it, so full-day school won't be such a shock to him the following year. Apparently, few schools in Waukesha County offer 4K, much less 5-day-a-week 4K.

The public schools don't even offer 4K. So we looked at the school in New Berlin, because the hope is to maybe buy a house in New Berlin next year (yeah, I know.....returning to NB...what are we thinking??? I'm going to lose any coolness I once possessed).

Well, they only offer 4K 3 days week. OK, I decided I could deal with that. But here's the kicker. School would start for Baby Girl at 7:45 AM for 5K. Little Man's 4K doesn't start until 8:30 AM. Are you kidding me??? 45 minutes later? That would not work and is a complete waste of gas.

Our only other viable options are sending Baby Girl to the local public school for this year and then sending Little Man to her preschool, but I'm not sure they have space (I have to ask, there are signs all over by the office indicated many classes are already full for the fall *sigh*).

Or there is another Catholic school in Wauwatosa, not *too* far from Gumby's work. I love their website, it had just a ton of information and it seems to be an extremely active school. I'd like to check them out, but Gumby is hesitant. So we're going to drive there this weekend and see how much farther is it from his work.

But all in all, this is really freakin' annoying. Stupid economy.

My MIL's surgery went well. She's very sore, but that is to be expected. There was no cancer in the nodes, so that's good news.

The plans for Disney continue.

Trying to move forward with Patrick's estate, but there are so many stumbling blocks right now. We still don't have a police report, which is pissing me off. I have a call and email into the probate attorney to get advice on how to proceed.

Time Warner can bite my frickin' arse. If they send one more bill for him, I swear, I will rip into some poor, unsuspecting soul that answers the phone. Idiots.

All in all, I'm pretty freakin' cranky right now. And the people that own the Chinese restaurant by the hospital must think I'm insane. The past 2 nights I've gone in and gotten nothing but egg drop soup for my MIL and FIL. But I'm sure these people are like, "Egg drop soup, that's it? Really?".

heh.

I feel like all I do is complain

Because, really, I do have an outstanding life, husband, children, family, etc. But man, can I catch a break?

Last Friday I was happily shopping at Sendiks with the kids, because I'm always in my happy place there. Then the phone rings. It's my MIL. Sweet, I can ask what groceries they need as my FIL had gotten pneumonia and the general plague (hopefully not from me, but what are ya gonna do?).

She explains my FIL now has a sinus infection on top of the pneumonia. And there was one itsy-bitsy problem.

She was having chest pain and needed to go to the hospital and my FIL couldn't take her because he'd infect and kill half the population. Great. Just frakin' great.

Off I go to drop the kids off at my folks and to take her to the hospital. I had to call into work (I'd picked up an extra shift since I missed so much after Pat's death).

Around 7:15 PM Gumby calls and says Little Man has an ear infection and is crying. Gives him ibuprofen. I call back 30 minutes later and am told, "He's still cranky, but he'll make it through the night."

Right. And I guess you'll be getting up with him in the middle of the night?

OK, that was bitchy, after all, last time Little Man woke up with the growing pains, Gumby handled it like a champ. But he was still awake. Once he's asleep, all bets are off.

I leave the MIL at the hospital (she was admitted to have a heart cath the next day) and off I go to get Little Man to take him to Urgent Care.

Get him there and he WILL. NOT. STOP. CRYING. My tough little guy that will fall down a flight of steps, get up and say, "I'm ok Mumma.", then run off, could not stop crying.

He finally falls asleep sitting up with me rubbing his head. They take one look in the ear he complained about and went, "Ew." Checked the other ear and it too was infected. Poor thing had a double ear infection. Lovely.

Saturday was good, spent most of the day at the hospital. Went out to dinner with Gumby that night and then the comedy club, which, I will say the comedians were OK, but it was nice to get out.

Sunday I worked, all was well.

Monday was the start of spring break. WOOOOO. I can sleep in! Til 7:30. *sigh*

Monday was my mistake. I ate something. I had a total Homer Simpson moment and ate something I should NOT have eaten. If you've never seen, "Selma's Choice" from the 4th season of the Simpson's, you've missed out on probably one of the funniest episodes ever that I decided to re-enact.

Sooooooooooo. I've been down and out since. Last night, I finally ate food, a sub from Cousins, which sat well and didn't hurt me. Score!

Today, I had my abdominal ultrasound. Turns out I have a rock band in my gallbladder and it must now die be removed. So yeah for not only having surgery, but hitting our deductible in the first quarter of the year! Wooo-hooo!

Now on to other topics to bitch about.

You know, nothing irritates me more than pseudo-rich people bitching about stuff they really have no right to bitch about. We send Emma to a Christian-preschool. It's not cheap, but it's not as bad as some places, so I don't complain. She's learned a lot there.

And I admit, we're probably one of the less affluential parents that use the school. Whatever. We chose to spend our money on education.

But I listen to these Mom's pick up their kids everyday and all they do is bitch about the school and how they don't like the lunch rules (because is it really so bad to have to pack something from the 4 food groups everyday?). As I was leaving yesterday, still feeling like shit, one of the Mom's looked at me and barked, "I am so fed up with this, I HAVE to find a new school for them."

Because, you know, uprooting them in April is the thing to do to a 3 and 4 year old. And then they stood in the hallway bitching this afternoon.

I'm sorry. Get over it. It's PRESCHOOL people. I've had very few complaints over the past 2 years that Em's been there. Like, you know, maybe 2? One major, one not so major. But good gravy.

But I see the same thing working at the Walgreens. I'm no dummy, I made a salary near equal to my husbands when I worked full-time, but we made this decision so I could go to school. Yet these people with "money" like to come in and try to intimidate me, thinking I must be a moron working a Walgreens. (a moron they trust with their life as I fill their prescriptions...bwuhahahahahaha).

No, I'm no moron. I found a part time job that paid a decent amount, that is flexible around my school schedule and my family life. Sounds like a win-win situation to me!

I just don't understand people.

Pneumonia can bite me

OK. I'm really over this. I'm presuming between the stress of Pat's death, the eulogy, etc and then 8-million sick people hugging me at the funeral, I got the plague.

My little sister celebrated her 18th birthday Tuesday. We went to dinner with my folks, sisters, boyfriends, etc. I wanted to die half-way through dinner.

Went back to my folks, sister opened gifts, cake/ice cream time. And I just wanted to be swallowed by the leather couch and spat out in a parallel universe.

We leave and have my father-in-law meet us at home (interestingly enough, Gumby was concerned enough that he called his Dad before we even left to have him leave for our house. See, he does take care of me!).

I was hoping to go to Urgent Care (less expensive), but WTF? All the UC's closed at 9 PM. I swear, the one downtown was open until 10 PM all summer. So after we couldn't find an UC, I decided the ER would have to suffice. Didn't want to drive downtown to go to my usual hospital, so went to the local one.

I must say, I need to pull my head out of my ass and just pick a doctor out here in the 'burbs. Driving downtown when you're already sick sucks. It's time.

Anyway. After several hours in the ER, I have pneumonia and they suspect I have a full-blown case of influenza. They do a test for it (which involves them shoving a q-tip up your nose until it touches your brain. It was so nasty and disturbing. I'd almost rather be in labor).

The rapid test came back negative for it, but it's a 50/50 shot on accuracy (really? how much did we just pay for a fucking 50/50 accuracy????). So they opt to send it for the long-term test and gave me a prescription for Tamiflu and an antibiotic for the pneumonia.

Off to Walgreens at 2 AM. Seventy-freakin-dollars for the Tamiflu. Holy hell. $10 for the antibiotic. Good gravy people.

But I feel better. I spent 2 days on my couch, drinking gatorade and taking drugs and they worked!

I'm still not 100%, but I was able to go to the hockey game last night with the family (which was quite violent, great game!).

Today, I've grocery shopped and got a new scratching post for Oscar.

But really, I'm sick of being sick now.

Today is a bad day

I obviously have not posted since Patty's death. So much has happened since then. Sadness. Happiness. Illness.

We still don't have many details from the accident. There are rumors abound stating the person that hit Patrick was a "drunk Marine". We have absolutely no confirmation of that and have no desire to perpetuate that rumor. If this person was stone-sober, imagine the hell he is living with, knowing his mistake took another life.

But that is exactly what I'm am struggling with as I sit on the couch this evening.

Some say Pat would want us to forgive the person that hit him. But at this moment in time, I feel nothing but complete sadness and bitterness. I don't want to forgive, in fact, I want to inflict great pain on this person. And it doesn't have to be physical pain, oh no, mental pain would be equally satisfying.

I want to show this person pictures of our family. Of our parents, who got a box from the coroner's office yesterday with Pat's belongings, that just sent them into another tailspin of grief.

Of his brother's that are now missing 1/3 of their brotherhood.

Of my children, that are now missing their uncle. For my son, that is now missing his Godfather.

Of me, missing my baby brother that I have protected for so many years.

Tonight I am grieving Patrick all over again, I'm not sure why.

The funeral went as well as could be expected. So many friends came to remember him, to honor him. It was amazing.

I held myself together during my eulogy until the very end when I read my father-in-laws letter to Patrick (damn it! mental note! always pre-read your speech!).

And I lost it during the military honors. I feel the need to clarify. I worry someone may have hear me say I hate military honors.

It is not because I don't feel they should be honored, blah, blah, blah. Quite the contrary. Military honors make the passing that more difficult for me, to know they selflessly served our country. I just sob every time.

Do you know how much I hate to cry in public? Especially sob?!? Because if I'm in public, then I have to do it quietly. And that shit hurts. I much prefer to breakdown in the comfort of my own home, thankyouverymuch.

I loved seeing so many of Pat's friends, I had so many conversations, my head was spinning.

But back to the issue at hand tonight. Tonight, I cannot forgive the driver.

God have mercy on him if he was drunk when it happened, because I certainly will not. Tonight, I hate him, like no one else before, and hopefully no one ever after.